What Defines Me

I’ve struggled with my identity since moving overseas. When I get into a taxi, I usually hear the driver ask “Ni shi Meiguoren? (Are you American?).” My cultural identity isn’t the problem; it’s “who Erin is” that confounds me. I’m not trying to sound existential by any means. As I transitioned from a community I had known for seven years and tried to reestablish myself, I realized that the easiest way to define myself was through my job; as I think about stepping away from teaching, I realize my “identity” is slowly slipping away. As a young girl, I can remember “playing school” in the basement with my sisters. Being a teacher has been a dream of mine for over 20 years.

When I knew that He was asking me to let go of my time overseas, sorrow overwhelmed me. And, now as I contemplate taking a break from teaching, letting go of the classroom becomes even harder.

Yet, as I think about surrendering my desire to live in China and to be a high school English teacher, I am reminded of the benefits of surrender, as “letting go gives a better grip” (David Crowder Band). Ultimately, to know Him more intimately and to have a refreshed perspective on His goodness, faithfulness and provision, this is a good, albeit scary, place to be.

At a recent women’s retreat, I double underlined the following point from our speaker.

“Pain brings a maturity we would never have otherwise. He asks for His glory. He wants us to look like his Son. He doesn’t waste anything.”

Though I know what He has asked is His best, it still hurts, and the grief of leaving ebbs and flows each day, yet I know that there is a greater purpose beyond my grief, and that gives me hope.